Life Quotes from Authors

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
Cary Grant

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.
Karen Horney

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White

Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.
Voltaire

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.
Oscar Wilde

Now there is one outstandingly important fact regarding Spaceship Earth, and that is that no instruction book came with it.
Buckminster Fuller

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Funny Love Quotes

Love is where your heart is... but, who has your heart?

Life is like a roller coaster ride, you will turn sharp corners, have ups and downs but whenever you feel like you're going to fall out, someone will be there to pull you back into your seat.

Life is what you make it, don't let it make you or your life is no longer yours.

Love is like a movie, sometime it does have a surprise ending.

When it comes down to it you need four things to live: Food, water, family and friends.

Loving someone isn't hard, it's getting the feeling back that's difficult.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

Why are skinny people admired when 48 out of 50 guys prefer curves?

Wine, Love, and Wisdom are kind of alike...They all get better with age!

All a girl needs is One guy to prove to her that not all guys are the same.

When you "Love" someone and they don't "Love" you back it's NOT "Love" it's STRONG Lust.

How can someone brake someone else's heart and still say they love you?

Every girl wants a man she can go to in sweats, hair a mess, make up running down her face and her eyes red from crying and the first thing he says to her is, "Baby, you're beautiful." and means it.

My life is my message. - Ghandi

Pictures may fade but memories are Forever.

Two things only a man cannot hide - that he is drunk and that he is in love. - Antiphanes

People say that Love can be found as easily as opening a door... Why do I have SO MANY doors to open!

Though it may not seem it a simple smile can make a day

Everyone takes something form someone and adds it to themselves

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.
-Anonymous

If you wished to be loved, love.

Sometimes someone says something really small, but it fits right into the empty place in your heart.

The perfect lover is one who turns into pizza at 4 a.m. - Charles Pierce

Funny Quotes About Life

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. - Robert Byrne

God doesn't judge people until they die, then he judges by what he/she had done during their life. Why can't people do that too?

Who delivers the mail man's mail?

People who say it cannot be done should take care not to interrupt the person doing it.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. - Aldous Huxley

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein

It might look as if I'm staring at you with a mixture of contempt and disbelief, but I'm actually meditating. - Dilbert

The statistic on sanity is that one out of every four Americans suffers from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I deal with my temptation by yielding to it. - Mark Twain

If I promise to miss you will you go away? - Anonymous

If I am what I eat then I am cheap, quick and easy. - Anonymous

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

It's only illegal if you get caught.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W.C. Fields

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. - Patrick Moore

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katherine Hepburn

Anonymous Funny Quotes

Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate

Adults are just kids with money.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone

They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes

Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!

Change a life; make someone feel important.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale

Funny Life Quotes From The World

God made us Friends cause he knew our parents couldn’t handle us if we were sisters.

Those who are afraid to fall never learn how to fly.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
- Mario Andretti

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Love is being stupid together.
- Paul Valery

That's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down "Why in the hell did I jump?”

Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world
- R.D. Lang

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
- Joe Lewis

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Walk softly and carry a big stick
- Teddy Roosevelt

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

When things turn for the worst… turn around.

You're not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep yourself from falling off the face of the earth.

When life sucks, get a bigger straw.

A word to the Wise is not necessary, it's the Stupid Ones that need the advice.

Silence is Golden.... But Shouting is funnier!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
- Buddha

There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it.
- Chinese Proverb.